Monthly Archives: September 2006

“Oh it’s now OK to be OLD is it ? THANK YOU ALISTAIR MY DARLING :(”

One of Morag’s first cultural shocks upon moving to these scepter’d isles was seeing that people were expected to put their ages on CV’s. I used to work at a recruitment office in New York (one of the many places I have called home) and I’d be more likely to put bra-size and Preferred Positions on a CV than my age.

I quickly realised that one of the diseases most rotting the foundations of British culture is Ageism. How we are treated or others feel about us because of our age is one thing but frankly how we feel about ourselves is just as bad and twice as damaging. Forget about racism (well don’t forget about it just put it to one side for a moment) – forget about The Class Wars – age is the ‘-ism’ that is the biggest danger to the spirit of this society. It robs us of our spirit, our get-up-and-go as the Yanks say; and it turns us into a nation of decrepit whingers.

It is nasty this attitude towards age here. Morag goes to Paris a lot and there you see women “Of a Certain Age” swinging it about and no one complains, in fact the lads quite like it – but here if you’re over 27 (such as myself) and you act as if there’s still a bit of lead in your pencil you’ll be made a laughing stock.

Given my feelings on the subject you would think I would be thrilled about Alistair Darling’s proclamations concerning the new Age Discrimination Rules that go into place on October 1st. I should be delighted to hear Darling’s proclamation that from now on “we” will no longer be able to discriminate against people in the areas of recruitment, promotion and training. He believes (bless his naive wee cotton socks) that “It will make a difference not just in the law but also in changing people’s hearts and minds”………..

Saints preserve us from these people. Do they honestly, hand on these hearts they are always so quick to talk about, believe that a bit of legislation is going to change a damn thing? OK now Morag will be able to insist that they give her a job down at TopShop on Oxford Street. But will that stop you from laughing at her – HELL NO! I know a lot of you reading this are men and secretly feel that all this doesn’t really apply to you. After all you’re only as old as the woman that you feel – wrrrrrrrrrong. Don’t fool yourself in your long shorts and hair products, you’re getting laughed at as much as we women are.

This week is the Homeless World Cup in South Africa and there is a brilliant quote from an 18 year old English player after one of his matches :”We thought, we’re all young guys, fit and if you look at them, well……..” WELL my you-know-what. The wee, fat baldy middle-aged blokes from Kazakhstan wupped their arses but proper! And why? Because they knew they could. They knew that though they were a little long in the tooth and round in the belly they had the nous to get the job done. Or as the English player said….they were this that and the other”but they knew how to use the ball”.

And that’s what we need to do. Stop waiting for the likes of the happy-clappy fellas at Downing Street to tell us “It’s OK to be Old” ——-“Oh and listen all you nasty people stop being mean to those people who are Old! Stop it and stop it right now or I’ll be cross!”

CODSWALLOP ! You cannot legislate how people feel, trust me on this one. So any of you out there who think that yet again the government is going to solve your problems and make everyone ‘be nice to you’…grow up! That’s not what government is for and the sooner you get up off your backsides and figure that out – the better your lives will be.

Morag reaches for the fishnets as she heads off down to TopShop. Better to be mutton-dressed-as-lamb than mutton-dressed-as-mutton anyday 😉

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“LIAR, LIAR” GORDON’S PANTS AREN’T ON FIRE”

I have been dreading today for months now, maybe years, possible a decade. The moment when Gordon Brown was going to drag himself up to a podium and try to get us as a nation to sleep with him. I know some of you think I am obsessed with being under the duvet but when you’re involved with Marketing and Media (which Morag may or may not be….) the buzzword for everything is ‘sexy’.

‘Is it sexy?’ applies to everything from toothpaste to footspray. I even heard a misguided Religion commentator using the term during the last Papal elections – I kid you not and no I will not repeat the phrase used, let’s just say it doesn’t bear thinking about. So ‘IS GORDON SEXY ENOUGH?’ is the question that Labour now needs to ask themselves and today was the day he set up trying to convince us all that it is so.From the moment he stood up, pulled on that rictus grin and started his Addams Family lurch towards the stage I realised it was going to be worse than anything I had imagined.

When I ask the question is Gordon sexy enough I don’t mean like “ooooo’er Missus” but does he have what it takes to get the nation to climb into bed with him. Will those of us Close-to-the-Middle Conservatives decide that Dandy David isn’t quite our cup of tea and jump ship…HELL NO! Will the average LibDem decide that as-it’s-not-Nick-Clegg-at-the-helm-of-their-ship-they’ll jump? HELL NO! Does anyone think that Labour will be dancing The Gay Gordon (it’s a dance people – though in a desperate effort to get pink votes we may be getting the ‘some of my best friends are….’ speech in the upcoming months) come the next election? HELL NO!

I don’t know how many of you know anything about that dreaded science of Body Language and Communication. Sadly Morag sometimes needs to drag it out in the line of duty. Downcast head, rounded shoulders, hauls self up, bares teeth assimilating smile, reads speech, gesticulating in the style of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (if you don’t know what this trust us it’s not a good look for a future PM), not good body language at all. My favourite was the almost-closed-eyes. never, I repeat NEVER trust —ok I’ll crank it down a bit……”It is usually unwise to put one’s faith in anyone whose eyes shut down while they’re speaking to you……….”

There was a focus group of Labour supporters on the telly tonight, 30 people chosen for the fact that they supposedly reflect all aspects of Labour (now BE NICE some of my Best Friends vote Labour). Anyway when the facilitator asked for words describing what they thought of GB, “Machiavellian” – “Old” were two of the terms bandied about….with friends like this who needs enemies? When asked who thought he was charismatic 5 out of 30 raised their hand (and one of them was probably the woman whose word to describe him had been ‘dishy’ so she should automatically be discounted). When asked how many thought he was a leader – 3 raised their hand. With odds like that I’m thinking we don’t really need to worry. If your own don’t want ye then why should we 🙂 So we now let’s turn our attention to a much more urgent proposition – getting our own house in order! It’s been 24 hours since I put out the word on the street for Cameron to call and not a buzz. David honey it’s like Rufus Wainwright says…”my phone’s on vibrate for you” — no NOT like that, what are you lot like?

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GORDON BROWN, DAVID CAMERON AND THAT BLUE AND RED BIKINI

“Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital”, and boy are we seeing a heck of a bikini in the new survey just out. I haven’t seen something looking this bad in a bikini since my recent ill-advised attempt to truss it up and push it out on the French Riviera. Apparently 35% of us feel that Cameron has more potential as PM to GB’s 32%. Brown then rates 8% below Cameron in honesty – that would be like being told you were more smarmy than Jim Davidson. But worst of all to me is that Brown was 21% ahead of Cameron in the “I Am More Arrogant” stakes. Now it is a sorry state of affairs when you are deemed more arrogant than a floppy-haired toff from Eton – oh the shame!!!!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough that it looks like we’re going to have to choose between the dour Gordon (and please do not give me that “he is just a quiet man” cr*p); and Cameron who reminds one of a second-string newsreader from Waco,Texas (I’m sure he’s a nice enough man but all that grinning makes him look simple and someone should tell him to stop). And I am not a purist – I am old enough and ugly enough to know there is no such a thing as The Perfect Politican. At some point after you gain your majority you need to have a conversation with yourself regarding what faults you are willing to live with in your politicians.

Personally I don’t care about their sex lives. What they get up to (as long as it is not with me though allegedly/possibly/maybe on occasion one or two of them have tried) in the privacy of their own local parkbench is fine with me. Just note to MP’s – fess up, don’t have your wife come behind and make excuses for why you do what you do – I understand she needs to save face but it just makes you look like you are an idiot – on top of being a miscreant.

So I guess what we have to do now is take a good long hard look at both Mr.Brown and Mr.Cameron and decide which we find less nauseating/frightening/bordering on the incompetent. At this stage my vote —- and I canNOT believe I am saying this —- goes to DC, but he really is going to need to pop over for an absinthe so we can discuss my ideas re his cabinet. He is going to need some help and I think I’m just the woman…………………..

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