“LIAR, LIAR” GORDON’S PANTS AREN’T ON FIRE”

I have been dreading today for months now, maybe years, possible a decade. The moment when Gordon Brown was going to drag himself up to a podium and try to get us as a nation to sleep with him. I know some of you think I am obsessed with being under the duvet but when you’re involved with Marketing and Media (which Morag may or may not be….) the buzzword for everything is ‘sexy’.

‘Is it sexy?’ applies to everything from toothpaste to footspray. I even heard a misguided Religion commentator using the term during the last Papal elections – I kid you not and no I will not repeat the phrase used, let’s just say it doesn’t bear thinking about. So ‘IS GORDON SEXY ENOUGH?’ is the question that Labour now needs to ask themselves and today was the day he set up trying to convince us all that it is so.From the moment he stood up, pulled on that rictus grin and started his Addams Family lurch towards the stage I realised it was going to be worse than anything I had imagined.

When I ask the question is Gordon sexy enough I don’t mean like “ooooo’er Missus” but does he have what it takes to get the nation to climb into bed with him. Will those of us Close-to-the-Middle Conservatives decide that Dandy David isn’t quite our cup of tea and jump ship…HELL NO! Will the average LibDem decide that as-it’s-not-Nick-Clegg-at-the-helm-of-their-ship-they’ll jump? HELL NO! Does anyone think that Labour will be dancing The Gay Gordon (it’s a dance people – though in a desperate effort to get pink votes we may be getting the ‘some of my best friends are….’ speech in the upcoming months) come the next election? HELL NO!

I don’t know how many of you know anything about that dreaded science of Body Language and Communication. Sadly Morag sometimes needs to drag it out in the line of duty. Downcast head, rounded shoulders, hauls self up, bares teeth assimilating smile, reads speech, gesticulating in the style of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader (if you don’t know what this trust us it’s not a good look for a future PM), not good body language at all. My favourite was the almost-closed-eyes. never, I repeat NEVER trust —ok I’ll crank it down a bit……”It is usually unwise to put one’s faith in anyone whose eyes shut down while they’re speaking to you……….”

There was a focus group of Labour supporters on the telly tonight, 30 people chosen for the fact that they supposedly reflect all aspects of Labour (now BE NICE some of my Best Friends vote Labour). Anyway when the facilitator asked for words describing what they thought of GB, “Machiavellian” – “Old” were two of the terms bandied about….with friends like this who needs enemies? When asked who thought he was charismatic 5 out of 30 raised their hand (and one of them was probably the woman whose word to describe him had been ‘dishy’ so she should automatically be discounted). When asked how many thought he was a leader – 3 raised their hand. With odds like that I’m thinking we don’t really need to worry. If your own don’t want ye then why should we 🙂 So we now let’s turn our attention to a much more urgent proposition – getting our own house in order! It’s been 24 hours since I put out the word on the street for Cameron to call and not a buzz. David honey it’s like Rufus Wainwright says…”my phone’s on vibrate for you” — no NOT like that, what are you lot like?